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⊹ bring the synthesizers let's light this scene on fire

3/7/09 04:04 pm - --Insert Random Title Here That Makes More Sense Than This Actual Post--

Ah, well, I'm so confused right now, as to what's going down with the whole play. I know I'm Narrator 1, and that I have all of 5 lines in the play. Geez, no matter how much I want to rant on and on about how I should have gotten a bigger part, I'm not going to. I'm going to accept it. I'm going to be happy that I even have a part in the musical, because honestly, with my poor acting abilities and my nonexistent singing voice, I'm lucky to have gotten that much. I want to believe that I can act, I honestly do, but no, I know that I can't. So, I'm going to say my lines the best I can, and I'm going to watch as my friends do wonderfully in their rolls, however big or small they are, and I will be proud. I will not be jealous, not in the least, and I won't cry as I watch them. I won't hate them for being as amazing as they are, because honestly, they deserve it. They deserve more. They deserve to be known by everyone for their talents, for their wonderful acting or singing or dancing or costume making or whatever else there is. And I don't. I deserve to watch by the sidelines as they get everything they deserve. Because I'm an awful person. I'm an awful person that made a poor, innocent girl start crying hysterically, not once, but twice, and didn't even feel a thing before and after it happened. I'm the girl who would watch as her friends were in a burning building, with no one coming to help them, and wouldn't even try to save them. I would be crying, yes, I'd be in hysterics. But I wouldn't risk my own life. I'm a greedy, disgusting creature, and I know it. I've known it all along.
As I read this, it seems to start to sound like some kind of stupid suicide note. But, there's not going to be any 'I can't keep going like this anymore', or any 'I think it's time to end it', because, as I said, I cherish my life, however horribly shitty it may be.
Of course, I guess I'm not completely heartless. As I read Nara's entry, I have to admit, my eyes watered up. As said before, I love my friends, and know that they deserve so much more than they're receiving at this moment. And then, there's Taylor, who I love more than anyone else in the world, in that particular way. He's depressed or something, and even if I ask, I know he won't tell me. It's too personal, he tells anyone who ask. Why in the world would he tell me, someone he's only seen in person for 15 days? Sure, we've known each other for almost a year, but no, he wouldn't tell me. I may be 'one in a billion' to him, but I'm still not close enough to him for him to tell me something such as that. I wish I was, because I'm worried, truly, truly worried, and I care for him so much.
I've been crying throughout this whole thing, and I'm sure no one will understand why, unless by some miracle they can decipher my rambling into what I actually mean, which even I don't know. I have Repo! playing in the background, and I can't even muster the strength to enjoy it, to sing along to Thankless Job or Mark It Up or Genetic Emancipation, or any of the other ones that I simply adore. No, I simply sit here and type this mess of jumbled thoughts and remarks that make no sense. So, I think I'll end it now. I have to work on my notes for Social Studies, for without this grade, I worry that my grade will drop greatly. I don't need to fail any more tests, as on the latest one I received a low C. With that, there's no way I will be able to go see Taylor this summer, or stay in Drama club, or be able to participate in the musical, and then what will I do? I ask this as a rhetorical question. No one need bother to answer it, as I don't even want an answer, for what would I do with it? Certainly nothing, as that's just... me? Who is me, anyway? No one I know, that's for sure.
And with that, I bid you farewell. Until my next post, that is.

2/28/09 12:04 am - Bus Rape!

 I got partially raped by Jesus on the bus today... Ish... It was funny, though. Thainara, you were there. He was sitting next to me on the bus, farthest from the window, and reached over to open it and shout at Thainara. Well, she ran away, and he didn't actually sit back down at first. Okay, don't get me wrong, I was rather creeped out. But he does that to Diana (sp?) as well, and I'm sure other people too. My shoulder's fine though, and is nowhere near threatening to fall off. If you ignore the right one, where a zombie is currently gnawing at my shoulder. Ow, it kind of hurts.


Anyway, that was for like, ten seconds, and then he sat back down. Ten more seconds later, he found my weakness (that little ticklish spot around the hip area), and tickled me almost all through the bus ride. Which was kind of annoying after a while, but luckily he stopped. And then he told me a story. I forget right now what it was about, and it ended up being something really hilarious and stupid, but in the beginning he looked really serious. I swear, I'm snagging a picture of him next chance I can. He's pretty photogenic, and I crave pictures of people right now...

I forget what else I was going to say...

So, el fin.

2/17/09 05:30 pm - Ramble On!

 I had a whole bunch to say, but I forgot all of it, actually. So I'll begin with whatever comes to mind...

My camera almost broke today. I almost dropped it. I'm usually so careful with it, but with three dogs attacking you all at once, it's kind of hard to keep a sturdy hold on these things. Luckily, I caught it, so it didn't fall and get trampled on by my adorable little beasties.

I was thinking, today. I know, oh my gosh! Me, think? When does that happen? All the time, yeah, just about the most random and stupidest things. Anyway, I was thinking, and I wonder how in the world I ever liked Callum. I swear, is it just me, or does every little thing he do annoy the crap out of me?! And he still stares at me from across the room. It's scaring me, now, it really is. I just want him to go away. I want to forget that we ever went out, and I want him to forget that he ever liked me like that. It would be such a relief.

Oh, right! Now I remember what I wanted to say! I feel kind of hurt. Apparently Dene broke up with Michael today, and I think she was talking about it with Nara today, and I know, for a fact, that she was talking about it to Emma D. Then, when I ask about it, she won't say anything. She told me that she doesn't really like Emma D. She tells me that I'm her friend. And she won't tell me, but she'll tell that brat?! (I really don't feel like cursing right now) It hurt me, I mean, you know? I don't want to be intrusive, but she could have at least told me. I sound like such a little kid, what I'm saying, and I don't mean to. I'm just stating, that it would seem logical, wouldn't it, for someone to tell their best friend, instead of just some little acquaintance? But whatever, if that's what she wants to do, I'm fine with it, really.

Oh, and I bought another Marilyn Manson CD. I got Mechanical Animals, and my mother made a big deal of the cover (it has a picture of Manson with boobs, and he's like, naked and crap). It was kind of funny, actually. But hey, she let me get it anyway, so I'm good. I also got Repo! The Genetic Opera, which I need for this weekend. I've already watched it like, 20 times. I simply adore Terrance, Ogre, Sarah, Paul, Anthony, and Bill. Every time I saw Alexa, however, the thought 'Spy Kids!' ran through my head each time I saw her, since she played Carmen in those movies. Whatever, though. All the others just made the movie wonderful, however, so I was fine.

I've become obsessed with taking pictures, lately. I think it's because I actually finally charged my phone last week, and found out how much fun it can be. I like to edit the pictures, as well, to make them look completely different, twist them into my own creation, even if it's simply making them black and white instead of color, or vice versa. 

Alright, I think that's it, I guess. Well, Jesus and Will have been more touchy-feely than they used to be. Not like that, haha. Just like, shoulders and stuff a lot. I don't know. It's kind of funny. I know I like Jesus, but I'm starting to kind of like Will, maybe a little. Whatever. My brain hurts. It's confusing.

Also: I had a dream last night. It was about Taylor and Sean not going to AWP, and I was there, all by myself. It was really sad and depressing, and when I woke up, my mouth was try and my throat was tight. God, if that does happen this summer, I think I'll just take the next bus to wherever Taylor actually is. But, since his grandmother runs the place, I doubt he won't be there, which is good. :]

2/16/09 01:28 am - Cody Sheldon

 God, I doubt I'll ever shut up about him! I swear, I really like this guy. Not in the romantic sense, though I admit, I do have sort of a crush on him, just due to the assumptions I've made about him, as I've mentioned in my previous post, and his lovely hair and eyes. But he lives in Michigan, I believe, and is 17 years old. What would a talented 17 year old man want with some stupid, untalented 14 year old child? Nothing, that's what. But putting that aside, I discovered his youtube account, where I posted the following comment.

--actually, scratch that, it disappeared. it's somewhere, just... not on my f*cked-up computer at the moment--

I did lie in it, saying that all of my friends were 'in love with him' and that I thought it was silly because 'they didn't actually know him'. I said this merely because it seemed less childish and less fangirlish when I put it like that, instead of saying something like 'I think you're the most beautiful person in the world, and I wish that I could kidnap you, take you to some cafe that plays jazz and the blues and buy you tea or coffee and a dessert, then do something else that I don't think should be mentioned here to you", because obviously, that would be kind of creepy. I was just joking about the last bit, but I would love to take him to some tiny cafe or something to talk, and listen to him telling me about him, and his life, and his plans for the future, and every little detail that he wouldn't mind telling me, because we'd be the best of friends. Haha, creepy fantasy. Kind of stalker-ish, I know. I would love if he would comment back, I really would, because you can obviously tell how much I admire him. A lot! If he would just comment back, I would never ask of anything more. Well, I say that, but I'm sure one day, I may. But hey, this means a lot right now to me. A lot a lot. It means the world to me, I'm serious. Yeah. That's a lot.

2/13/09 05:05 pm - Happy Valentines Day! Or, Almost...

Ok, so, technically it's Friday the 13th, which is not Valentines Day. But it was almost like it at our school. Everyone's been handing out--or receiving, like I have been--chocolates and candies and little stuffed animals. Which I'm fine with, you know, whatever. I feel kind of bad that I didn't bring anyone anything, but I didn't have time to. Or, I did, but just didn't choose to, I guess. But hey, that doesn't mean I don't love everyone. I love them all dearly. Well, most of them. And then there's the ones I can't stand. And the ones I kind of sort of have a crush maybe on. I'll list a few, in the order that I feel like talking about them in, or when I actually know what I want to type about them... If that makes any sense at all.

Jesus: (who was nicknamed before as Max)
He was carrying on the bus a red, shiny bag, and I'm dying to know who he gave it to. It's just been itching at me all day (I think that's the expression?) but I just couldn't ask. I'd feel intrusive. On the way back on the buses, the bag was gone, which I figured it would be, of course. Well, he sat in the seat behind me. Or, technically, I sat in front of him. I didn't mean to, that's just where I happened to sit. Or is it? I'm not sure. Anyway, that doesn't matter. The weird, but funny, but interesting, but kinda happy, joyful-ish, semi-ecstatic but not quite moment was after the bus began to move. He started to touch and mess with my hair. Oh. My. God. No, just kidding, that's not the long-worded thing. I turned around to see what he was doing, and he said something like, "I like your hair." In his funny little way, of course. Then something like "You have pretty (or beautiful?) eyes." I can't remember which adjective he used. Then it was "You're beautiful (or pretty?)". Still, unsure about the adjective. Either way, though, it was still sweet. Of course, it was in his funny little way, as I said, and all I could do was giggle nervously/awkwardly and repeat "Thank you?" after each sentence. Then he went back to touching my hair, and began joking around, play-threatening "What did you say?" and something like "I'm gonna kill you!" or something like that, but it was really hilarious, so I said, laughing, "I'm... sorry?" And he repeated "What did you say?", all play-menacing, and that repeated for a while, with some extra comments like "I'm gonna clone you, and then rape you." or something like that. Whatever. I found it all hilarious, and the first part embarrassing, but sweet, but funny, and all the adjectives that I don't feel like repeating.

'William Rand: (Nickname? I think it was... Andrew?)
Well, he's pretty hilarious. I think he's back to the old William again, which is great. He may, possibly like me? I'm not exactly sure... Whatever, he's a pretty awesome person. We usually sit together on the bus, and one day, when we were, like the first time, I think (drifting back to Jesus) Jesus was all like, in his funny little way, "Oh my god, Naomi, why are you cheating on me?!". Made me laugh, haha. Ah, they're both awesome people, I have to admit.

Jesus, again:
Something I forgot, by the way. Sometimes, on the bus, Jesus steals my iPod. Or, he asks for it, and I let him borrow it. I don't actually care. Of course, one day, I guess I did care. I was sitting on the bus, and I hear Jesus say "Yeah, she doesn't have any good music on this thing." Which kind of pissed me off, because if I didn't have any good music on it, why would he even listen to it? Why would he even borrow it? It just kind of annoyed me, and upset me. I know I don't have all that much good music on there anyway, because I haven't updated in forever. But hey, whatever, I don't actually care anymore. I think I kinda... still... like him? I don't actually know.

William Blacknall: (or however you spell it?)
What to say about this guy? He's hilarious! I just felt like saying that, because in spanish he made me laugh so hard that tears may have poured out of my eyes if I hadn't been focused on something else.

All my best friends ever!: (You know who you are!!)
I love you guys. Just wanted to say that.

Cody Sheldon:
Oh my god, he's such a beautiful person. And I'm not just saying that about what he looks like. He honestly looks like a beautiful person, inside and out. He's so talented, and interesting, and honest, and truthful, or at least, I believe he is; he sounds like he is. I hope and pray that he'll try again next year. I honestly believe that he should have made it through. It's not fair that they pinned him against one of his best friends. Speaking of Cody's friends, I would love to meet him one day, and become one of them. He seems like such a kind, funny, sweet, caring person. It really amazes me. I'm not just some fan girl, and no, I'm not in love with him, or anything like that. I do, yes, perhaps like him a little, but of course, due to the fact that I've never actually met him, I've only been able to gather what I've learned about him and make some small assumptions about his personality. I tend to do this to a lot of people that I find interesting, and he, is of course, one of those people. He's, like I've said before, so beautiful, inside and out. When I learned that he liked to film horror movies, that was probably the thing that first got me into him, besides his looks, mostly his smile (and hair, of course). He's... I keep saying he's beautiful, his character and everything, but no matter how much I say it, I don't think I can say it enough. I feel a connection, actually, with him. Not some creepy one, that some fangirl or something may claim they have. Simply, I think I understand him a bit, simply due to my observations. I want him to be happy, I really, truly do. Every time I saw him sad, or nervous, even the slightest bit, I would feel the same way. I cried, when they were split into the four rooms, because of how nervous I was. I was so certain he would make it though, because I thought he was such an amazingly talented person that how could he not make it?. I cried once more when he didn't get into the top 36. I was bawling my eyes out, until they were bright red, and couldn't talk for at least twenty minutes after; I was so shocked, and disappointed, and hurt. His friend made it through, and Cody will be supporting him, right? That's what I heard, I believe. I'll get a ticket to the show, even the finals, if his friend, Alex, makes it that far, so I can see and, hopefully, meet Cody.

Taylor: (What was his nickname again?)
Yet another beautiful person. Not as much outside as inside, but he has a smile that simply melts my heart whenever I take even the smallest glance. I've said so much about him. I spoke to him a few days ago, and I didn't feel quite as sad as I thought I would be after he was gone. I know for a fact, that I love him. I'm just not sure if it's as much as I did or not. Either way, there is love there. There definitely is.

2/11/09 05:27 am - Such A Terrible Fright! Attempt 2

 Dude, I just wrote the most wonderful entry, and somehow all I ended up with was a question about dogs in my post? What the fuck? (French...)

Okay, simply:

I cried while watching American Idol.

Because I was afraid that Cody Sheldon was going home. He was in the last group to get the news, and I was so afraid, that I began to cry.
Not wimpy crying either, but balling-your-eyes-out crying.

Of course, deep in my heart, I knew they wouldn't do that. He was an amazingly talented person.

Still, I couldn't help being afraid.
After all, he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen before.
He's also one of the most talented.
Far better than anyone else on Idol, in my opinion, but then again, I don't pay attention to anyone else.
No, scratch that, I do. I just happen to pay attention to Cody more.

Still, I find it kind of pathetic that I cried for a guy this early in American Idol, especially since I don't even know him. I will definitely go up to a live show to see him perform, I swear, and I'll be his crying girl. Of course, someone else already claimed they would be, so... I'll be his other crying girl?

Of course, when they said yes, I was overjoyed, and, here's a good metaphor: My tears were rainbows.
Because rainbows come after rain!
Plus, they're beautiful.

But not as beautiful as Cody Sheldon.

2/11/09 05:15 am - Such A Terrible Fright!

What kind of dog (counting mixes and mutts) gets your vote as the champion of dogs?

12/10/08 05:09 pm - Someone New

 This is going to be short, but I had to post it (not that anyone really reads anything anymore...).
There's someone else I'm starting to like. Nothing serious, but he's funny, and makes me smile. He's interesting, and seems to always know what to say, even though it may be something obnoxious. I don't know, that doesn't make any sense. So... ignore it. He's just funny and makes me smile. And he's kinda cute...

His (made-up) name, is Max. (Why Max? Think dog. Why dog? Think... well... figure it out?)

Well, whatever...
Thats it... Ish... I guess... XP

What if I stop loving Taylor.
Daniel (what's his fake name again) said that he's thinking of going out when this girl (not good with names). Now, this wouldn't bug me, except for the fact that he kept saying that he was in love with this other girl (still not good with names). He said that they were in love and he was going to buy this really expensive engraved diamond necklace for her, and then he said (kind of) that he is getting over her (or something). What if something like that happens to me? I mean, I'm going out with Callum and everything, and I already have my worries (see previous post), but what if I stop loving Taylor. Even when going out with Callum... I'm so completely, utterly, amazingly in love. I'm afraid that one day I'll forget him.

12/7/08 09:00 am

(I'm not using fake names for Taylor (Al), Brett (?), Sean (Robert?), Callum (Aaron), or Wilson (I don't think he even has a name yet), because I'm much to lazy and keep forgetting. >.<") 

Erin asked Callum if he loved me, and he said yeah, he did. I really hope he was just saying it, but I'm also afraid and upset and angry. It's much too soon for that. It will ALWAYS be too soon for that.
I'm thinking of breaking up with him.

In other, more important news:
The party... I'm not even sure when it is, let alone if I'm even really going to have one. But I want one so bad; it's not even funny. Of course, I don't want one to get presents, or just to act crazy and dance around everywhere, getting high off of cake and mountain dew. No, I want one because it gives me an excuse. It gives me an excuse to see Taylor again, not to mention Brett and Sean and Wilson. Of course, with this party comes great worries. I worry all the time, and it mostly centers around Callum. I'm always worried about what he may do when he finds out that Taylor is coming. I'm afraid that he'll hang around too much when I'm with Taylor; I worry that he will figure out that I'm still in love with him. I worry that he'll get mad, or sad. I worry he won't like Taylor coming. Or course, though, this is only if I haven't broken up with Callum yet.
And of course, I've been testing him. I've been talking about Taylor and AWP more than usual, just to see what he does. Of course, when I think about it, I may be hurting him. I keep telling myself that I really hope that he's ok with it, and that he won't get too upset or angry by it. Of course, when I think about it, maybe I want to hurt him?
I also tell myself that I feel bad for thinking like this, but I know that it's actually kind of true. I also think that maybe by some miracle that Taylor would realize that he loves and me that we'd live happily ever after, but I know with all my heart that it will never happen, that no matter how much I wish, pray, and dream about him and how much I love him, that it will never, ever, come true. He will never love me.

Typing that last part made me realize that it's true, he doesn't love me. I already knew it, but to say it out loud, or rather, to watch myself type out those words... It brought all my fears to life. I broke into tears. My throat hurts like it usually does when crying. My head hurts like it usually does when I cry. My heart hurts like it usually does when I think of him. I want so badly for it to be over.

12/4/08 05:19 pm - Mash Game: Predict Your Future at eSPIN-the-Bottle

Behold... My Future
  I will marry Taylor.  
  After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Tokyo in our fabulous Shack.  
  We will have 3 kid(s) together.  
  Our family will zoom around in a black Hummer.
  I will spend my days as a poet, and live happily ever after.  
whats your future
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